Having a Healthy Divorce

Having a healthy divorce

Getting divorced can create several mental and physical health problems, explains Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist at Relate.

"Generalised stress, anxiety, depression and panic attacks are not uncommon. This can affect sleep, which can cause tiredness, exhaustion and a general lack of focus and concentration. There's a lot to think about during a divorce, particularly looking after children, telling your parents and dealing with their emotions, moving house, dividing possessions, setting up bank accounts and still continuing your job.

"Even though you may not want to get divorced, there's a way of getting through it healthily rather than simply surviving it."

Hall identifies a strategy for coping, which includes seven crucial steps:

Accepting the reality of your situation

Accept that the marriage is over. Understand what went wrong and take your share of the responsibility, but only your share. Some people want to take all or none of the responsibility. Ask yourself questions about what happened, and try to understand what went on beneath the surface. For example, if the other person had an affair, try to understand what caused them to do that. Similarly, if you grew apart, think about how you've changed since you first met.

Managing your emotions

These can be divided into the most common emotions: grief, fear, anger, resentment, doubt, regret and guilt. At this early stage in particular, you need to get help and support from friends. You also need to give yourself time and space. Some cognitive behavioural techniques can really help, such as trying to change negative messages, and learning how to be optimistic (See Useful links for more on CBT).

Developing strategies for personal growth

You need to recognise your strengths and your weaknesses, and develop an action plan. This will build your self-esteem and help you manage feelings, such as missing someone. The action plan involves setting goals so that if, for example, you know you'll struggle with loneliness, then you can set small, specific goals to overcome that.

Letting friends and family help

Identify your support network. Think about the people who are already there for you. But also recognise any challenging relationships, such as friends who will be hard to socialise with, or a family member who might say, ‘I told you it’d never work’. Think about the relationships you want to strengthen. If you’re fairly good friends with someone in the office, see them more often. Or maybe you could renew contact with someone who went through a divorce some years ago.

Dealing with money and practical matters

Consider your financial and practical resources and challenges. This might include how to release some of the equity in your house, or how you can make money during the free time that you now have. It may also include things as simple as how to use a lawnmower or the iron, or how to cook for the children when they're staying with you. It’s often these practical things that make people feel they can’t cope.

Communicating effectively with your ex

This is another area that can cause a huge amount of stress. If you have children, learning to communicate effectively is very important. This involves diffusing your anger, managing your emotions, and making sure you enter into conversations with a clear idea of what you want to achieve, without getting drawn into old arguments.

Setting goals for the future

It's important to adopt the belief that ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. This means being single, being satisfied, dating and finding love again, as well as realising your hopes, dreams and wild ambitions.

"Divorce can be devastating and painful," says Paula, "and there will be bad days. But negative thinking leads to negative emotions, which leads to bad health, so it’s important to think more positively on the good days."

Lastly, Paula is keen to stress the potential for a positive outcome. She says, "Divorce is an opportunity for change. There are lots of things you can’t do if you’re married. People compromise and put things to one side, such as hobbies or even careers. A divorce is an opportunity to think about the things you loved but might have let go of, while recognising that you can re-shape your future yourself."